Interrupting a Shame Spiral

I woke up at 4 am this morning in a remorse and shame spiral.  I realized that I don’t use my gym membership much at all, certainly not enough to justify the monthly fee. This has been the case all year, and, as I look at my busy summer and fall, will probably continue.  On reflection, I knew that I actually stopped using the gym regularly eighteen months ago when we moved. Going to the new gym never worked its way into my routines: it isn’t as close, doesn’t have as robust a schedule, blah blah blah.

These are mere facts, but I woke up feeling stupid, wasteful, almost criminal.  A voice in my head added up how much money I’ve “squandered” and asked if I wanted to be the kind of person who no longer swims, does yoga, or walks in the winter. Nothing particular happened to set this off, except I’ve removed my oldest way of feeling shame—overeating--and so now my inner critic is searching for something else to beat myself up about.

Even as I felt paralyzed, I felt silly for focusing on something so minor when the world has much bigger problems to tend. And yet I believe that the more I can become healed and whole, the more I offer a troubled world.  So I looked for the choices I have on this issue:

A)     Change my behavior and develop new habits. Start using the gym, perhaps going frequently enough to get the monthly discount from my insurance company or just incorporating swimming or yoga into my week.

B)     Change my behavior and embrace the emptiness. Quit the gym and trust that I’ll get enough walking in, find a yoga studio nearer to home, and use the pool that we have access to in the summer. Or not.

C)     Change my mental framework. Keep the situation as is and consider the fee a gift to the universe or a down payment on eventual motivation.

 I don’t have the option of staying with the status quo and beating myself up about it every single day. That might have been my old pattern, but it doesn’t serve me today. It disrupts my sleep, distracts my attention to other things, and interferes with my celebration of life. I don’t have to make this decision today, but I do need to make it for my own peace of mind, which is priceless.