Friday, July 19, 2019

The Universe Does Not Support Addiction



While my addictions contributed to not having children, marrying very late in life, and never living anywhere longer than 7 years,  I've  always thought my work--the portion of my life that developed smoothly, with what I have called divine guidance—was exempt from addiction’s effects. Numerous times I’ve been nudged to inquire into a new job, leave one that was quite satisfying, and stretch into the next invitation to grow and serve so that I'm able to make a living doing what I love with all of who I am.

But this weekend someone asked me if I’d ever called myself a workaholic, and I've been thinking of addiction's role in that arena. too. Since I started a new full-time remote job January 1st, I haven’t taken an official day off outside of two different weeks of vacation that were very structured and mostly about service.  I can’t seem to claim a regular day (or two) each week where I unplug, listen to my own desires, and follow them wherever they lead. I suspect not taking off even one day a week is the sign of a workaholic.

Has my good enough but not remarkable career path been the result of an addictive relationship to work? These thoughts may seem harsh to those who know me, and many will want to reassure me that I have been successful and helpful to others. But I’m talking about something more subtle, what Mark Muldoon labels ambient addiction, those addictions that are actually sanctioned and rewarded by society, yet cover up our un-owned anxieties.  To name and face these quiet anxieties, such as my need to be viewed as a success, is to truly “knock on the door of the Holy."

I want to lean into the emptiness of one unscheduled day each week and trust my inner being to lead me into realms I’ve not explored or even imagined.  Ambient addiction keeps me hanging at the threshold of deeper joy, one foot in a familiar world even as I glimpse the possibility of living daily in the realm of the sacred.  Since I've lived through addiction to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, sugar, flour, and shopping, I’m now willing to look at my addiction to work and to an identity forged through my career in order to see what new freedoms might be awaiting.