I was up at
the cabin for five days. At at some point in my planning this became a writing
retreat, a silent writing retreat, a vegetarian and sugar free retreat, a fast
from facebook retreat. And I was able to do all those but one.
I
saw on facebook a line from Adyasanti: “Don’t seek what you are yearning for,
seek the source of the yearning” and it was the perfect reflection on my day. I’d
gotten an idea to make cookies—peanut butter, chocolate chip, and molasses
ginger cookies. I found cookbooks in the cupboard here from various churches and I looked up recipes, scoured the pantry, made a
shopping list. The only catch is I don’t eat sugar or flour, and if I made cookies I would do nothing but eat cookies all day long.
I’d feel sick, I wouldn’t feel like walking or writing or meditating, and I’d
be unhappy.
So I took a
walk to make the decision after an hour in the bracing cold. When I came back, I chose to be true to my
initial decision to not run away. I put all the cook books away and roasted brussel sprouts and cabbage, which were delicious.
Next I went
online to see what movies were playing within a 20 mile radius. I watched every
single trailer, hoping there was something I just couldn’t bear to miss. There
was not. In fact, you would have to pay
me a lot to spend 90 minutes watching any of the movies playing locally. So
that avenue of distraction closed as well.
Eventually I did write,
I did read, and pray, and walk and do yoga and meditate. And still there was empty
time. I got out the coloring books of mandalas and the beautiful pencils I’d
bought and I just sat still and filled in small areas with various colors. And
as I did the thought emerged—I’m lonely.
As I sat with it, faces of people I know who might also
be lonely appeared. Lots of them. I realized that even the most social people perhaps have moments of
loneliness. Loneliness is part of being human. In that moment I felt connected to this world in a very sweet way.
Then the
image arose of me at age 3, on a Saturday morning, reaching into a low kitchen cupboard while my parents slept> I spied a box of chocolate only to discover
it was bitter baker’s chocolate . Ugh.
I had to process that quietly because I was alone, doing something I shouldn’t,
filled with shame.
While I’ve remembered
that moment before, this was the first time I connected it to being lonely. Of course. I was a three year old who had to keep quiet in order to not wake her
parents up, as she’d been instructed. I learned to entertain myself but it was a consolation for the real connection I wanted.
Because my loneliness has been soothed
by sugar for so long, at the lake I immediately wanted cookies before I even realized I was lonely. Anything to stave off that feeling. But by not giving into that impulse/craving a little opening occurred--just enough space for me to
learn something, to heal something.
That’s the gift of recovery. I learn something and heal something every single time I choose to be healthy.
