Loving with Wild Abandon

There are days it feels like a musty closet door of my heart has opened, and there are other days where I’ve put an extra padlock on the door.  Recently I’ve been ambushed by extravagant love for the clients I work with--men and women 18 to 50, at different places in their desire to get healthier.  Last week, as our circle created a sacred container of listening hearts. I heard a dozen stories of grief and loss, some delivered through tears.

Keenly aware that there was not one thing I could say to diminish the pain, I gave thanks that the ongoing work of life in recovery is learning to be present to it all without escape. After my father died when I was 16, I watched my mother close down for the next 30 years from a broken heart.. For decades I used alcohol, drugs, food, and shopping to buffer whatever pain I experienced. Today I have different practices that also need to be dismantled if I am to have authentic connections with others, for I’m just now learning to keep my heart open when it cracks.

One way I have “protected” myself is focusing on the faults, flaws, and what’s missing in those I love. I make up stories, rehearse of old hurts, and spend way too much time wondering what you think about me to be vulnerably receptive to the love I inevitably feel when I sit quietly and simply listen.

What would my life be like if I loved with wild abandon? What if I let go absolutely, not into an abyss, but into a soft feather bed of wonder, joy, and delicious love? I feel like I’m in new territory, willing to get my heart broken by another’s pain or rejection, just as I’m willing to be healed by another’s gratitude and tender love. I’m willing to share what’s really true for me in the moment, including the stories that don’t have a tidy spiritual lesson, yet.