I wish I turned to prayer more often.

 As a spiritual director, I advocate listening to your inner guidance, asking a higher power for help, and connecting with the light of the universe before acting.  Sometimes I take my own advice.  Yesterday I brought someone to get a haircut because I was asked.  It wasn’t a simple operation—the whole thing took two hours and required great patience.  After I’d parked the car and was heading into the salon, I was not happy with my attitude. I was doing the right thing but could feel my impatience and resentment rising. If nothing changed this afternoon would become unpleasant for everyone involved. How to shift?

In the past I’ve given myself a pep talk, shamed myself for being selfish, or forced myself to find something to be grateful for and pasted on a smile.  Too many times I’ve been sharp and sarcastic, showing everyone what a pain this was for me. Yesterday, though, I prayed out loud walking back to the salon. Help me be loving and kind. Take away this resentment.  Allow me to be present and useful.

By the time I sat down to wait with my book, something had been lifted. My tolerance wasn’t an effort or an act. I understood that I was going to be here for the duration, so I may as well enjoy it. That intellectual awareness saturated my being. Did I have help getting there?  Did expressing my desire to be better effect the change?  I don’t know if we have “better angels” within us or all around. I don’t know what caused the shift. But I believe that when my behavior doesn’t match who I want to be, no amount of self-will can bring me to a better place. Prayer signals I’m willing to change and cracking that door open may be enough.

I’m no saint, but yesterday I felt a subtle shift that momentarily removed some of my selfishness and allowed me to be cheerfully present. Just as I determined that I would not do this again, the hairstylist suggested she come to her client next time, a most generous offer that I gladly accepted. Such gracious service. The teacher always appears when the student is ready.