Loneliness or Solitude?

“Don’t surrender your loneliness too quickly.  Let it cut more deep . .  . /Something missing in my heart tonight/has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender/my need of God absolutely clear.” Hafiz

How do you know when you’re lonely? How do you soothe yourself when you feel lonely? How might loneliness, which had a role in my addiction and now fuels numerous ways of distracting and numbing myself, actually be a tool for developing spiritual connections? 

Loneliness is like those little plastic bags that protect the newspaper, helpful for the moment but useless for any other purpose.  Loneliness signals I need more connection to myself, others, or Source. Often I don’t welcome that feeling, because I interpret it as meaning that I’m a loser nobody wants to spend time with. Once I start down that path, it’s not long before I question how I’m spending my day and if my life even matters. No wonder I do about anything to avoid feeling lonesome. 

Lonely in a Crowd

But I can also be isolated surrounded by people when the conversation is shallow and I’m not hearing or sharing anything real.  Time with someone I want to be close to but feeling unseen may be the loneliest.

Joyful Solitude

On the other hand, when I’m spiritually connected being alone can be joyful. In solitude, I’m curious, eager to explore, open to spontaneous ideas and welcoming of feelings, memories, connections, and even emptiness. I’m never bored in solitude, but when I’m lonely, I'm desperate to entertain myself.

I can move from solitude to loneliness in an instant of self-pity or comparison. It usually takes longer to move from loneliness to enjoying my own company.  I do know that eating, shopping, smoking, drinking, mindlessly consuming social media or other forms of entertainment only keeps me isolated and postpones the move required for me to be happy and helpful to others.

Oh, that I could notice the edge of loneliness and welcome it into my heart as an invitation to intimacy with spirit, my whole self, and others. Becoming familiar with the beginnings of loneliness, being curious about that feeling and aware of what is missing can be an important tool for recovery.

To Explore

What do you typically do when you are at loose ends or bored, overwhelmed or not sure what to do next?

How do you feel when you’re lonely? When or where are you most often lonely?

Who in your life do you feel least lonely around?

What role does a higher power have in feeling lonely or enjoying solitude?

With a partner, share two moments from your life:

1) When you were alone and loved it. What were you doing? What connection did you have to nature, a higher power, or the best in you?

2) When you felt most alone in the world. What did you do to not feel so alone? Was it effective? What’s the healthiest thing you could have done? What prevented you from doing that? How is that habit, belief, or tendency to isolate still present in your life today?