Connect to Correct

The other day I made an observation I thought would be helpful but in truth was aimed to help someone see—and be in-- the world the way I do. Not surprisingly, the person snapped at me, and I withdrew like a turtle. This is the second incident in the last couple weeks where someone I care about has reacted harshly, and so I’m looking at my tendency to judge and criticize under the guise of service.

I could seek the origin of this old habit, which I’m sure has kept me feeling safe and defended for years because I’d like to react differently, and sometimes understanding fosters that. In the meantime, I need to mend these disruptions, and that requires new skills. Someone wise pointed out that whenever there’s a conflict, my practice is to disappear, sometimes for a long time.  That’s the old route in my brain, and in order to create a new pathway, I have to do something different. I need to move toward the very person who has pushed back, at least if they had justification and are someone I love and want in my life.

Staying present when there’s conflict and rising above my childish reaction to take into account the ways I have hurt the other requires a presence of mind I'd hope to have cultivated in 30 years of daily meditation practice. But these old pathways are deep riverbeds that feel like the only route when I’m scared or hurt. I think I’ll only be able to return to the scene of that pain if I don’t go alone but rather invite Spirit and the calm voice of my inner being to accompany me.

Developing the skill to pause when I’m agitated in order to respond rather than react takes practice. When self-will runs my day, I keep people at bay, want to punish or seek revenge for perceived hurts, and replay the incident in my head to feel righteous about my reaction.  When my inner being calls the shots, I’m compassionate, understanding of myself and the hurt person who reacted angrily, and I can imagine a future where we are harmonious again. In that state, the right words and actions come to me and I have the courage to do something kind.

My daily work is to invite the best of me to be in charge and to lovingly put the scared part in the back seat, safe and protected, but not driving. How do you do that every day?