Imagining What Could Be

I’ve noticed that I’ve been isolating, not reaching out to the many people in my life I love. The other night I devoted the entire evening to Facebook rather than write, journal, call someone, read, take a walk or swim. I’ve been cutting corners on meditation because my phone is too close at hand, and I've filled spare time with an obsessive hunt for a bargain in my new size. What’s up? These little indicators tell me it’s time to get more connected.

The best way I know how to deepen my spiritual connection is to savor, so yesterday, as I drove 45 minutes to work, I didn’t turn on the radio but rather talked aloud to myself and the universe. I started with appreciations-- for my trusty car, which I love every single time I get into it, for my house, which I adore when I take the beautiful stairs or walk through an archway.   I loved the skirt I was wearing, the cup I was using, and the days I had just spent in Florida.   Finding things I love isn’t difficult and acknowledging them opens me to more.

I believe what we focus on expands because I’ve watched it work time after time in my life. Attention is energy and nourishment that makes whatever I’m looking at grow. When I focus on what I DO want, I keep seeing that. When I rest assured that my heart’s desires will come, I see evidence. I don’t live here all the time. I’m overwhelmed by the news, distracted by my social media feed, and absorbed by stories of hardship and tragedy I hear every day. But I get to choose what evidence I’m looking for in the case I’m making about the world.

I’m trying to reconcile my belief that we create our world, whether we’re conscious of it or not, with the actual world we live in, which is filled with inequality, and pain.  I admire people who fight injustice.  They are courageous and smart, persevering and energetic. It seems to be their path this lifetime.

I’m more energized by connections and nourished by looking for the best in a situation or a person.  I’d rather imagine what could be, share solutions, and find what’s working in a given situation. Years ago, when I read the philosopher and rhetorician Kenneth Burke, I was struck by his observation that good rather than evil lies at the root of human purpose, and he used war as his evidence. What act requires more cooperation than war, he asked? Such a perspective opens up my horizon of what’s possible. My spiritual work and my daily challenge is to stay focused on what IS working and keep leaning into that light. 

Interrupting a Shame Spiral

I woke up at 4 am this morning in a remorse and shame spiral.  I realized that I don’t use my gym membership much at all, certainly not enough to justify the monthly fee. This has been the case all year, and, as I look at my busy summer and fall, will probably continue.  On reflection, I knew that I actually stopped using the gym regularly eighteen months ago when we moved. Going to the new gym never worked its way into my routines: it isn’t as close, doesn’t have as robust a schedule, blah blah blah.

These are mere facts, but I woke up feeling stupid, wasteful, almost criminal.  A voice in my head added up how much money I’ve “squandered” and asked if I wanted to be the kind of person who no longer swims, does yoga, or walks in the winter. Nothing particular happened to set this off, except I’ve removed my oldest way of feeling shame—overeating--and so now my inner critic is searching for something else to beat myself up about.

Even as I felt paralyzed, I felt silly for focusing on something so minor when the world has much bigger problems to tend. And yet I believe that the more I can become healed and whole, the more I offer a troubled world.  So I looked for the choices I have on this issue:

A)     Change my behavior and develop new habits. Start using the gym, perhaps going frequently enough to get the monthly discount from my insurance company or just incorporating swimming or yoga into my week.

B)     Change my behavior and embrace the emptiness. Quit the gym and trust that I’ll get enough walking in, find a yoga studio nearer to home, and use the pool that we have access to in the summer. Or not.

C)     Change my mental framework. Keep the situation as is and consider the fee a gift to the universe or a down payment on eventual motivation.

 I don’t have the option of staying with the status quo and beating myself up about it every single day. That might have been my old pattern, but it doesn’t serve me today. It disrupts my sleep, distracts my attention to other things, and interferes with my celebration of life. I don’t have to make this decision today, but I do need to make it for my own peace of mind, which is priceless.