Impatience, My Old Friend

I call this blog leaning into the light everyday because I believe that’s the best orientation to be happy and useful.  But I can’t ignore those times when life feels dark or hard.  I have to pay attention to my character defects, and lately impatience has been running wild. Yesterday, for instance, I walked several paces ahead of the folks I was with--I just couldn’t slow down. Because every flaw has a hidden asset I can access when I’m in balance, today I got curious about what’s behind my impatience: passion.

For six weeks I’ve worked a new job, which I took to have more time to write. I’ve granted myself a transitional period of grace, bought a book about developing good habits, committed to a writing coach, and spent way too much time reading about this election. I haven’t yet done much work on the projects I want to complete.

This week’s rise of impatience shows me that even though it’s easier to sit back and be critical of everyone and everything, it’s time to turn my energies into creating.  When creative energies aren’t turned toward the light, they become destructive toward self and others.

Impatience, a form of violence, reveals an insistence on perfection from everyone, including myself, a huge hurdle for putting words on the page.  Everything I write must be beautiful, powerful, and transformative—immediately!! 

When I remember that the effect of the words is not up to me, I reclaim that energy to create. Making mistakes, risking being seen in all my flaws, trying something that might not work is scary but at some point feels better than stagnating, distracting myself, or deconstructing others. 

Today my invitation to lean into the light comes in the form of saying something true for me, at this moment, and releasing it into the world.

Questions Open the Mind

Summer can be a time to slow down and really talk to each other. Nothing satisfies me more than a good question.  Here are some I'd love to spend time with:

If you were to have a six month sabbatical, what would you do and where would you spend it?

How have you experienced the universe as intelligent? Loving?

Was there a time you knew you were not alone in the world, even if physically you were?

When have you been spared death or injury?  How do you interpret that close call?

What is your favorite place on earth?

What's a mysterious thing you've experienced?

Who is an eccentric person you know?

Who have been your best friends throughout your life? Do you have one now? What have you learned from them?

How has your idea of fun changed over time? What’s fun today?

What have you learned from betrayal? 

Who are the nourishing people in your life ? How often are you in contact with them?

Is there an event in your life that has most powerfully shaped you?

What’s the healthiest work environment you’ve ever been in? least healthy?

What question do you wish people would not ask you?

Who were your favorite teachers? Why?

What books have touched you? Changed you?

If talent and time were not an issue, what book would you write? What music would you compose? 

What would your art look like? What kind of dance would you dance?

Which of your ancestors do you wish you could talk to today?

Where in the world do you most want to travel? What calls you there?

What would you love to be asked?

Trusting Time over Money

By recently taking a half-time job with no managerial responsibilities, I made a very conscious decision to trade money for time.  However, Friday I got my first paycheck, and the reality of this lesser income shocked me. For about 12 hours I ran figures in my head, calculated how much I had to work to pay for the cabin upkeep, and wondered what I should never buy again at the grocery store. I’d already made a pledge to buy nothing non-consumable for a year but perhaps I would have to give up tea.

Luckily my sister was in town and we headed out to our favorite Goodwill in Brainerd to shop, one of my favorite distractions.  Without going into too much story, I needed a black bra to work with one of the tops I’d found, and Lori suggested I look around.  Ha, I said.  It’s difficult enough to find my size in a department store let alone a thrift or consignment.  I suppose every woman thinks her size is unique, but mine is truly tricky. “Impossible” was my word.

Nevertheless, at the next consignment store I found myself looking through a bin of lingerie and picked up a nearly new Wacoal black bra in my exact size—on sale for $4, a $60 value. I was astounded and ran to tell the sales clerks, my sister, and anyone else who would listen.  Apparently that wasn’t enough because I’m writing a blog about it, too.

In picking up that piece of fabric mere minutes after I said I’d never find one, I felt a message from the universe—whatever you need, or even desire, you will have--precisely, affordably, immediately.  It’s a matter of looking, being open, and allowing it to come from anywhere. Money is one vehicle but not the only one.

I can’t say all my financial concerns are relieved, but mostly I’m calm and trusting. We are so loved, blessed, and tended by unseen forces, by each other, and by this very earth. 

May I open my eyes and ears to the answers to each question, listen to nudges and intuitions, explore and let go of rigid rules so that I may be in the flow of this endless abundance of life.